The State of Hopelessness :: VIII of Blades
Recently I've confronted the depth of my dissociative trauma responses & how they've been the core of every dissatisfaction I have with my life. They've been the prison of blades, caging the aromatic essence of my pure, blossoming soul, inhibiting it from its fullest expression, with intentions of protection.
Read this if you feel like a lost cause.
I was listening to a podcast (Down to Earth Herbalism with Támara) while making breakfast in my mother's kitchen: salmon, eggs, and a roll with cream cheese. Our relationship has come a long way, and so this scene is quite a miracle. The episode I chose was about common reasons why someone's herbal treatment may not work.
Támara spoke of how frustrating it was for the people who aren't seeing the desired results. They always tell her "I've tried everything!" "Nobody's tried everything," Támara says. What they mean, however, is that they've tried for a long time.
Although my herbal protocols work for me, I can relate to trying at something for a long time. And feeling irritated, frustrated, confused, lost, disappointed, and-- worst of all-- unfixable when things don't work out. I've felt doomed, cursed, personally sought out to never know true love and belonging or peace. I mean, I've tried everything! And nothing works.
But Támara is right. I haven't tried everything. But I sure have tried for so long. And I am allowed to grieve the needs that weren't met. But I do not have to be imprisoned by the hopelessness.
Hopelessness is born from the belief that we are powerless to change our circumstances. Hopelessness depletes the body, lowers blood pressure & blood sugar, & decreases mental clarity. Hopelessness stagnates and obstructs healthy energy flow.
We may have tried with all our might; we may be too afraid to try. But we haven't tried everything. And so we hope.
My heart has been broken by so many things in life. I used to wake randomly with intense panic attacks. I used to have chronic chest pain daily & wheeze with every twist of my torso. Chest opening asanas & vinyasa alleviated the pain, miraculously. Now, years later, I am just beginning to allow myself to feel the emotional pain.
It is essential to keep your nervous system regulated to the best of one's ability. As trauma survivors, this is the million dollar dilemma, what separates us from the lives we want to live, what prevents us from getting what all humans need. If you find yourself stuck, overly attached to an unhealthy coping strategy, procrastinating, unmotivated, and unsure of what to do about it: try taking some deep breaths. Place your hand over your heart & feel it pumping your life force through you. Ask your heart: what do you need?
Honor the answer.
